People die in Belarus. There are protests and clashes. I went to the store and was praying and asking God why he let this to happen? And I opened a Christian book in the store and there was a verse .. 52 Was there ever a prophet your ancestors did not persecute?

Or some another one about persecution. I felt God was speaking to me. People were always persecuted for faith. I read on Facebook that a brother from my church in Minsk was jailed for sitting in the car and praying.

God, I have no strength but I pray to you. Save my country from blood.

Amen.

Today I was in a very bold mood from the very morning. I started thinking that I will probably never have children. I want to be a mom but my personal relationships -well, I do not have any.

And I went to Walmart, made some pictures in this–how you call it–baby department. Put some sad things on Facebook. And I decided to fall into depression. And yeah my comic book idea did not go through very well today. I realized that everything was going wrong. I asked everyone to remove me from friends on Facebook and later–when I was already in this black hole of desperation, I met my friend Nadia. We talked and its appeared that her husband has a surgery on Thursday, he has a colon cancer and he is in a car right now, sitting there with the oxygen tank strapped to him. And right after this conversation I felt ashamed of myself. I felt like I was standing there, healthy and desperate( which I stupid) and God gave me a job, a college, friends… He gave me life. I told my friend I was going to pray for her but it was certainly a king call for me. I came home, took a depressive post down from Facebook and later my friend from Belarus who lives in Dubai now wrote me, that she was worrying about our friend from church. She got married 11 years ago and went to the US. There are no posts from her since 2014. She did not have a successful marriage and I am thinking of trying to locate her. I also donated some money too stroke foundation and put a button on Facebook with the announcement to donate. I am going to church today. Nothing will change my plans. God is good.

It is too hot today and my mind refuses to learn my new job. The load at the new job is already enormous. But I feel like I have to force myself to work. I was thinking that a job is a ministry by what kind of ministry is that? My spirit wants to slack. And yesterday Facebook gave me a suggestion. Suggested friends: my ex was there. Only one suggestion–Him. It made me nervous, I could not fall asleep. Plus, I did not feel well. My allergies were acting out. I know I must not do it. My best friend had a brain hemorrhage and he enjoys every second of his life now because he survived. I know I have to learn from him.

God, give me strength not to bury myself in some sort of indifference.

God, strengthen my spirit.

Goa path my ways to follow them.

God enlighten me and let me not forget what is the real truth.

God, let me not to be selfish and set my ways into the wrong directions.

God bless me, Forgive me and Guide me.

In your name I ask,

Amen

A I feel lonely

B But you are not lonely. You have two jobs and college. Why do you feel lonely?

A But I feel lonely anyways. I don’t care about college or jobs. I want my Ex message me on Facebook like he used to.

B but he left. He messages someone else.

A This hurts. A lot!

B There is nothing you can do! You can bring horse to a river but you cannot…

A This horse is not even close to the river. This horse has some rabies or something.

B Let this horse go.

A This horse promised to marry me, to have children with me. This horse gave me two rings. One preengagement and one engagement ring. It hurts.

B there is no point of beating the dead horse.

When I was in a store I was debating whether to buy this book or not, but God told me–Get it, you won’t regret and I never did. Good read.

For some reason, today was a real struggle. I felt like I was about to break down and cry. And later I saw that the Christian guy who I follow on Facebook, his father died from heroin overdose. And he also lost a younger brother and a sister couple years ago. I think how blessed I am in this matter. Yes, my mom died from the torture of evil people and I could not help her but there are people around who suffer too. I could see beautiful sunset, I ate good food, I walked. I talked to my friends. Life is good. I also saw an artificial rainbow 🌈 today. Why artificial? Because it was from the hose watering the grass on a golf court. I remember that Noe gave a rainbow as a sign of hope and I felt that we can make an artificial rainbow with our own hands. We can make ourselves happy.

God changes us when we ask Him to and when we ask for changes. Consciousnesses and honesty and diligence. God wants us to do any job in his name like we worship Him. Otherwise, it is not in his name. And if you want to excel at job, do it in the name of God.

I feel lonely recently. My mom died 5 years ago, my do died 2 years ago, my best friend had internal bleeding (thank God he alive) and my fiance left me. But God is with me. I will always be with God, no matter how lonely I feel now. I was in the store today and God told me:” Buy this book!” And I bought it and feel very good. I do not feel lonely anymore. Remember, it can always be lonelier and worse than that. People come and go sometimes. I feel like I failed many relationships, many people, even my mom, I feel I failed her when she was hiding from me that she was dying from cancer. I failed people. And I failed God many times but he never failed me. He never failed me.